Trying to figure out who you are will take time.
I’m not sure how, when, who, or what ever convinced me that I had to know who I wanted to be, before I knew who I was – am? That’s not a grammatical error. There is no final definition of me. I am ever evolving, learning, engaging and withdrawing from this life. What I thought yesterday, may change today, and again tomorrow. Experience has proven that the moment you make up your mind about something, life throws a curve ball and changes the playbook, just to keep you on your toes. I thought the best thing about getting older was the years of trial and error, occasionally success, behind you and getting credit for having learned the lesson anyway. Ha ! Boy was that a joke. I still laugh at myself daily, even as I write this, because even though its a common? thought, anyone who has had the epiphany – understands what a truly ridiculous assumption that is. You are your own lesson, and inasmuch as the material changes daily, if not at times- by the moment. One moment can change your life forever.
I used to get so mad because everyone thought I was so young, and hadn’t really lived or experienced enough to have any opinion on anything. People made it sound so great to be older and wise, although I can look back and see how naive and prone to thinking that I knew more than I did. But just the same – I’m now on the other side of my version of the hill. (So what ? I’m not 40, years aren’t the only thing that puts you over or under the hill .) Having 5 kids in the last 18 years, losing 2 sisters and both parents, 2 marriages and 1 divorce – have all put me in a different category than other 36 year olds. I surely don’t need anyone’s opinion or approval, because unless you’ve been through it…you can’t possibly understand, and I wouldn’t want you to. There are days I don’t know how I survived, or what purpose I am to this world… so broken, discouraged, and my innocence turned into anxiety.
Yet, here I am.
My purpose undiscovered? or just unrealized. It may have been revealed to me, and I haven’t accepted it in all it’s camouflaged disguise. I carry on day by day, physically and when I can’t avoid it, mentally. Thinking to myself, I feel like I’m dying, my appetites gone but I feel weak, I recognize my red flags of depression. Shallow breathing, body aches from poor posture, numbness from lack of oxygen, when I do eat – I don’t care about what I consume, so it may be junk which causes malnutrition. I’m torn between literally starving to death, or eating to silence the grumbling of my empty stomach. Every noise heightened, causing more throbbing in my temples, forehead, behind and between my eyes. Lack of proper hydration causes my urine ( sorry TMI ) to be more concentrated, risking UTI, and you don’t really care about personal hygiene becomes less of a priority. My hair is so oily but also tangled, my skin is dull, my face is a reflection of every emotion I’ve ever felt – all the beauty and pain of life, stretched across the facial bones of my skull. You just stop caring, and nobody notices because nobody wants to be around you. This is dark, but its raw and as true as the cursor blinks with every beat of my heart. Each finger muscle responding too the nerves and neural pathway’s memory, finding the letters on the keyboard as if they were keys on a piano. No instruments creating vibrations or sound waves, just the tapping and words flowing onto the screen in front of me, now here before you.
This is not the best version of me. Though I must accept it nonetheless, because it’s part of me, ugly and exposed, like a broken pipe leaking emotional sewage. Who I become despite all the crap life throws my way, is a direct result of how I respond to the joy, pain, and each choice I make.
The best version of me is choosing to move forward, ignoring the pain and fear, then taking a deep breath. Nothing has killed me yet, I must be getting stronger or I must have adjusted and prepared somehow in my subconscious.
Alter Ego – Here comes the sun 🙂
I open my eyes, allowing my senses and surroundings to embrace the fresh chance at a new day. The sun peeks in through the edge of the blackout curtain. Nothing has yet been written in the hours ahead of me. Anything is possible. The fine line between past, present, and future – blinking and breathing as they transition, seconds flash and fade all around me. Stepping out of the shower; clean, relaxed, and energized. Brush your hair and teeth, pamper yourself with some lotion and perfume. You try on a new smile, put on some makeup to help boost your confidence and walk a little taller. Feeling beautiful, you don’t stare at your shoes praying people don’t stare or scream in horror at the creature before them. The sparkle in your eye, the crooked smirk that appears when someone notices the subtle difference a little “paint on the barn” can make. As you greet a stranger, you speak with sincerity and wish them a good day – making them wonder what put the spark in her powder keg? Whatever you do…you give it all you got, tired but determined. Optimism is your drug today, looking for the smallest opportunity to change someone’s frown, helping them through a tough day -because soon enough you’ll be there again, and know that even a glimmer of hope is better than reality. It helps to be able to count on the light in others. We share the light out of selflessness, and it returns in our lowest selfish moments. The higher we get, the longer we float in that weightless existence. The weight of the world lifted, and life is beautiful again. Thanking God for the bad days, because the good days mean that much more. It borderlines on being morbid and slightly masochistic.
Where you end up, there you are. You can deny it or accept it, but you’re still you – exactly where you are.